Up until now, I’ve been pretty honest about the pregnancy, but last week I hit possibly the hardest stumbling block and while I’m sure lots of people have the same experience, it’s not talked about very often. So, I feel kind of vulnerable with this post. Please be gentle if you comment.
Last week I was at a work meeting for two days. I should preface that one of my company’s core values equates to Work Hard, Play Hard and we live by these values. So after the meetings, we almost always all go out to dinner and then usually out for half the night. I love these times. So, last week was no exception. out for dinner… which was sushi. First problem: my boss usually orders for the table and as we all know pregnant women shouldn’t eat raw fish. So I had to ask the waiter which rolls were cooked. I felt like one of those finicky people who orders with a list of requirements. The waiter offered me tempura vegetables and California rolls like I was a sushi newbie. Ugh! I love sushi and sashimi even more. So I ate my eel roll and drank my water and graciously passed the sake and carpaccio. And then the conversation turned to hookah bars and kava bars and how we should all go out to one of the local places. It sounded like such a fun time: drinking, followed by ridiculous dancing, leg kicks and other antics. But as I sat there weighing up my options I realized I didn’t have any. I can’t drink, I can’t be around smoke and I should probably avoid leg kicks! So at 10 o’clock we paid the bill and I hung my head as they all went on without me.
I went back to my room and watched Private Practice (which I don’t watch), called my husband and cried about how this baby is changing my life. It struck me how much I am giving up – my freedom, my body, my sleep, my wardrobe, and all the things I have been warned about: my relationship with my husband will take a dive, my friends will not be around anymore.
I have wanted a baby for so long and now it’s finally happening and I feel like I’m in a horrible stage of limbo. I’m looking chubby in the belly but not pregnant, I don’t feel bonded to him/ her yet, my regular clothes don’t fit and maternity clothes are too big and now, I still want to party and I don’t have that bond to make it easy to say no.
I can’t wait to meet you baby; I know I’ll adore you and give up anything for you. I just wish I could see you now.